Family Law Lifeline

Posted on June 6, 2009 by John Steele

Divorces are rarely sudden or unexpected events.  Perhaps they may seem that way if one is caught with their future spouse in a compromising situation.  But even then, the marriage was in trouble long before a wandering eye brought the malfunctioning marriage to a formal end. I have had two potential clients come to me recently that reminded me of the power of proper planning.

One man came to me and expressed his concern about the state of his marriage and asked what he should do to protect his ass(ets) from his spouse.  He had not even raised the subject of divorce with his wife, but wanted to know if there was certain actions he should/could take in order to minimize the cost/drama in the event of a divorce.  Around that time, a new client retained me that had the opposite approach.  That person knew that the marriage had been over for along time, but did not want to face the reality.  So they kept thinking with their heart, instead of their brain, and now they were pretty much wiped out, had allowed their spouse to convert marital assets to non-marital assets, dissipate assets, and damage their relationship with the kids.

My gut tells me that had that client seen another person going through the same thing, they would have thought, what is (s)he doing?!  But because they were so emotionally involved, and because people are, deep down, eternal optimists about the ability for the marriage to suddenly fix itself, they hurt themselves mush more than if they had been open to the possibilty that the marriage might not work.  Call me cynical, but it is a fact that more than half of the married people under 50 reading this will be divorced.  If I told someone that there was a better than 50% chance of getting in a car accident today, do you think that person would take some precautions?  Planning your marriage like its a levee  in New Orleans isn’t sound.  And thinking “what if” doesn’t mean you don’t love your spouse.  It means things happen.

My first client got it, the second did not.  The first client will minimize his losses in the event of a break up, the second is screwed.  Many people, when confronted with the advice of what I call “marital contingency planning” find my advice to be cynical, and even harmful to the institution of marriage.  Ironically, women are most likely to denounce such a discussion. I say ironically because women overwhelmingly are the ones that are hurt by divorces in general, and lack of planning in particular.  Research has shown that women generally make less money, are less happy, less likely to enter a new relationship within 2 years, and have a lower standard of living after a divorce.  The opposite is true for men in each of these areas. And the worst part is that the ones refusing to acknowledge when their relationship is on the rocks, and what that may mean are usually married to someone who IS planning ahead.  Guess who wins in those situations? Posted on June 6, 2009 by John Steele

Divorces are rarely sudden or unexpected events. Perhaps they may seem that way if one is caught with their future spouse in a compromising situation. But even then, the marriage was in trouble long before a wandering eye brought the malfunctioning marriage to a formal end. I have had two potential clients come to me recently that reminded me of the power of proper planning.

One man came to me and expressed his concern about the state of his marriage and asked what he should do to protect his ass(ets) from his spouse. He had not even raised the subject of divorce with his wife, but wanted to know if there was certain actions he should/could take in order to minimize the cost/drama in the event of a divorce. Around that time, a new client retained me that had the opposite approach. That person knew that the marriage had been over for along time, but did not want to face the reality. So they kept thinking with their heart, instead of their brain, and now they were pretty much wiped out, had allowed their spouse to convert marital assets to non-marital assets, dissipate assets, and damage their relationship with the kids.

My gut tells me that had that client seen another person going through the same thing, they would have thought, what is (s)he doing?! But because they were so emotionally involved, and because people are, deep down, eternal optimists about the ability for the marriage to suddenly fix itself, they hurt themselves mush more than if they had been open to the possibilty that the marriage might not work. Call me cynical, but it is a fact that more than half of the married people under 50 reading this will be divorced. If I told someone that there was a better than 50% chance of getting in a car accident today, do you think that person would take some precautions? Planning your marriage like its a levee in New Orleans isn’t sound. And thinking “what if” doesn’t mean you don’t love your spouse. It means things happen.

My first client got it, the second did not. The first client will minimize his losses in the event of a break up, the second is screwed. Many people, when confronted with the advice of what I call “marital contingency planning” find my advice to be cynical, and even harmful to the institution of marriage. Ironically, women are most likely to denounce such a discussion. I say ironically because women overwhelmingly are the ones that are hurt by divorces in general, and lack of planning in particular. Research has shown that women generally make less money, are less happy, less likely to enter a new relationship within 2 years, and have a lower standard of living after a divorce. The opposite is true for men in each of these areas. And the worst part is that the ones refusing to acknowledge when their relationship is on the rocks, and what that may mean are usually married to someone who IS planning ahead. Guess who wins in those situations?

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