Archive for category Divorce
Reblogging How to Sell Your Spouse on a Divorce Settlement
Posted by John Steele in Alimony, Discovery, Divorce, Maintenance, Modification & Enforcement, Spousal Support on November 17, 2011
Contributed by Kelly D. Thames, Attorney & Counselor at Law, kthames@steele-law.com
I read a great article today on Huffington Post Divorce from fellow Chicago Family Law attorneys addressing negotiating skills for parties to a divorce, How to Sell Your Spouse on a Divorce Settlement by J. Richard Kulerski and Kari L. Cornelison. Lawyers often take negotiation and/or mediation skills classes in law school, but spouses preparing for a divorce are often not prepared with this set of tools.
Courts in Illinois will generally refer parties to mediation if there are minor children involved, which require negotiation with your spouse. Even if there aren’t minor children involved with issues of child custody and visitation, and which are resolved in a joint parenting agreement, there are often issues of property division and other issues that comprise a marital settlement agreement. Often times, especially if parties cannot successfully negotiate in mediation, this is done through your respective attorneys. However, if you can master the following skills, you may be able to cover significant ground in mediation.
I have previously blogged about separating the emotional aspect of divorce from the legal aspect of divorce. If you have been to marital counseling before considering divorce, some of these tips might sound familiar. There are ways of addressing your spouse that makes them feel like you are listening to them and that you care about their wants and needs. If your spouse feels like you don’t care about them in the settlement, they may be less likely to come to an agreement. If you don’t come to an agreement outside court, court costs can make your divorce exponentially more expensive. Again, attorneys can handle these issues without direct contact between the parties, but this is a way of keeping costs lower in a divorce.
The insights from these attorneys, which follow some basic negotiation techniques:
- Tread softly at beginning of your talks. A non-confrontational start is vital to your overall chances of settlement. Proceed at your partner’s pace, not yours.
- Use a comforting tone of voice. This transmits sincerity and good will.
- Give your partner ample opportunity to state their case. Never interrupt them and always wait three seconds before responding.
- Allow your spouse to speak more than you do. Act as though you are there to learn, not to teach.
- Assume a listening position. Sit up straight on the edge of the chair, lean forward, and maintain eye contact. Do not cross your arms or legs and be sure your face does not register disapproval of what your partner is saying.
- Display keen interest in their concerns. Never say what you think is fair; they only care about what they think is fair.
- Show that you want to understand your spouse’s position by asking supporting questions. When they say something of great concern to them, repeat it back slowly while maintaining their point of view. Use a tone of voice that transmits genuine curiosity about where they’re coming from.
- Acknowledge their point of view as being worth consideration. They need to know that you validate their right to think as they do.
- Understand that you cannot be persuasive unless you first show that you are persuadable.
- Expect your spouse to say something to anger you and do not get angry back. If you anticipate their anger, it will not get to you. Angry people are unable to compromise; and anger never sells anyone on anything. When they blow their top, do not defend yourself and be careful of your first reaction. Deliver a non-offensive response by saying, “I see that you are upset.” This subtly acknowledges their anger without judging them for feeling the way they do.
- Flinch or wince with mild surprise when they make a major proposal. They are watching for your reaction, and a facial grimace shows you won’t accept what they are offering. This politely indicates your disapproval without starting an argument. A flinch usually softens their thinking.
- Never say no too quickly. If you want your spouse to give serious thought to what you want, you have to appear to give serious thought to what they want.
- Resist saying yes to a first offer even if you think it’s a good deal. You do not want your spouse to think they offered too much.
- Do not start at your bottom line. Inexperienced negotiators feel more comfortable doing so, but try to resist this natural temptation. It leads to deadlock, and deadlock leads to a court battle.
- Expect your spouse to say no to your first proposal and don’t carry on when you hear it. A no is rarely final and usually serves to mark the real starting point of the negotiations.
- Don’t belittle your spouse’s offer. Validate it as a possibility, explain why you disagree, and ask for their assistance in coming up with something that you both might find acceptable.
- Do not make the first concession. It will not be appreciated and can lead to expectations of further concessions.
For the entire article, follow this link: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/j-richard-kulerski/how-to-sell-your-spouse-o_b_1033579.html?ref=divorce
Connecticut Couple Ordered to Exchange Facebook Passwords
Posted by John Steele in Child Custody, Discovery, Divorce, In the Courtroom on November 16, 2011
I recently read an article from MSNBC about a divorcing couple in Connecticut who was ordered to disclose their Facebook passwords. On September 29, a Connecticut judge ordered a divorcing couple to hand over the passwords of their respective Facebook and online dating websites to each other’s lawyers. The decision is intended to aid the lawyers in the discovery process of the divorce case, which will involve custody of the couple’s children. The judge said neither of the parties will be allowed to view the other’s websites.
Apparently the wife was posting things on her Facebook profile regarding her feelings toward the husband, the children and her ability to take care of them, which prompted this entire situation. Not sure why someone would publicly advertise those things about their private lives, but I guess it seemed like a good idea to the wife.
When the wife was asked during a deposition for her passwords, she gave them up, but then asked a friend to go to her profile and delete several of the postings. Upon hearing this, the judge issued an injunction and the parties turned over their Facebook and dating site passwords to each other’s attorneys.
Earlier this year, my associate, Kelly Thames, briefly wrote about the role of social media in family law proceedings (and in getting a job, among other things). Cases such as this one in Connecticut remind us of the importance of keeping private thoughts and feelings just that: private.
Saving Their Marriage
Posted by John Steele in Divorce on November 9, 2011
Contributed by Kelly D. Thames, Attorney & Counselor at Law, kthames@steele-law.com
The latest gossip in the Kim and Kris Divorce saga is that Kim has flown to Minnesota to undergo counseling with Kris and the minister that married the pair. The rumor is that this is to help the couple gain closure, not reconcile. But hey, who really knows?
It is not always an easy decision whether or not you should end your marriage. Reconciliation can often happen after a couple files for divorce and feel how “real” the prospect of divorce has become. In Cook County, a couple that has filed for divorce can ask for the divorce to be put on hold and transferred to the Reconciliation Calendar for counseling and a reconciliation conference. The couple may still proceed with the divorce, but like a fine wine, important life decisions need time to breathe.
Divorce news – Is Kim Kardashian’s marriage like her margaritas? On the rocks?
Posted by John Steele in Divorce, Prenuptial Agreement on November 2, 2011
Contributed by Kelly D. Thames, Attorney & Counselor at Law, kthames@steele-law.com
Well, it looks like another celebrity is getting a divorce after a very short period of time. Kim Kardashian has filed for divorce. Rumors of the marriage on the rocks were splashed all over the tabloids in the last week, but now the news is out: their 72 day marriage is over.
I don’t know about you, but I don’t really care that this celebrity couple is getting divorced (or not getting divorced – there are so many rumors out there). It does shine a spotlight, however, on some important issues in marriage and divorce. For instance, have you actually considered what life would be like once you get married?
One of the rumors of the split is that they couldn’t decide on where to live: she wanted to stay in California; he wanted to live in Minnesota. This might be something you discuss before you start planning your gigantic fantasy wedding, because once that train starts rolling, many brides and grooms-to-be find it hard to put on the brakes. The result: a fabulous party and a quick road to divorce if you are these two. Of course, the Kardashians poop diamonds, so I’m sure the cost of the wedding for such a short marriage isn’t even something that crossed Kim’s mind.
Do you want a pre-nuptial agreement that states what happens if things go downhill? Apparently Kim and Kris did. Reportedly, their agreement kept all assets separate. Check out more at: http://www.tmz.com/2011/11/01/kim-kardashian-kris-humphries-prenup/#.TrB0b0Oa9QR.
I’ll keep you updated on this “very important” and significant story.
Keeping records
Posted by John Steele in Alimony, Child Custody, Child Support, Divorce, In the Courtroom, Maintenance, Modification & Enforcement, Paternity, Spousal Support on October 31, 2011
Contributed by Kelly D. Thames, Attorney & Counselor at Law, kthames@steele-law.com
I was watching the “Ron and Tammys” episode of Parks & Recreation last night, where Ron is being audited by the IRS because of his ex-wife, Tammy 1. Ron’s recordkeeping is hilariously awful: he has notes of purchase that he wrote himself; he has a picture of himself shaking hands with another guy as proof of a “gentlemen’s agreement;” he doesn’t have bank accounts or formal records and he buries gold in various places; he also has decoy gold. Although this type of recordkeeping is over-the-top silly, it made me think about clients in divorce cases.
People don’t often think about what could happen if a marriage goes sour and so they don’t keep meticulous or organized records in preparation for a divorce or child support case. When one party files for divorce and discovery starts to happen, it becomes a huge ordeal to gather financial documents that are required when one side files a notice to produce documents and a request for a financial disclosure statement. Divorces can get dragged on for years because a party is not organized in their financial life, which significantly increases the cost of the divorce.
It is probably not very likely that you will be audited by the IRS these days, in fact, Ron’s audit was fake, it was just because Tammy 1 wanted to assess his financial situation before deciding that she wanted to “take him back.” By the way, that is not a healthy relationship, but that’s an entirely different post!
The basic message here: the IRS has three years from the date you file your income tax returns to audit your return if it suspects good faith errors, six years for underreporting your gross income by 25% or more, and no time limit for fraudulent returns. Most divorce attorneys will request the same three years of documents when there are financial issues in a domestic relations case. Your attorney won’t hunt and gather those documents for you – that is your job. The Illinois State Bar Association keeps a list of standard Matrimonial Interrogatories on their website, so you can see what kinds of financial information may be requested of you during a contested family law matter.
As in many other areas of life, I like to quote the Girl Scout motto, “Be prepared.”
Celebrating Divorce – Part 1
Posted by John Steele in Divorce, Steele Law Firm on October 28, 2011
You know, I always have said that a marriage makes you happy twice: once when you’re getting in and once when you’re getting out. That’s right – I believe that divorce should be a happy time. I remember the day my divorce decree was entered; I could finally breathe a sigh of relief. Sure, I was still hurting, but it felt like a huge weight had lifted. No more calls to the ex-wife’s attorney, no more negotiating, no more sleepless nights. There is nothing quite like the peace of mind one gets at the end of a long divorce – AT LAST!!
And it is this very important peace of mind that deserves, in my opinion, a celebration. Your life is yours again, celebrate! Of course the pain isn’t going to go away instantly, it may even take a few years, depending on how long your marriage was. But celebrating your independence is part of the healing process.
In honor of the valiant divorcee, every so often I will post something that hopefully will help, or inspire you to celebrate your divorce. Since this is the first post of its kind, I will initiate “Celebrating Divorce” with an introduction to a blogger named Kevin Cotter from Arizona who recently published his first book “101 Uses for my Ex-Wife’s Wedding Dress.”
Cotter’s wife of 12 years (and mother of his two children) left him in 2009, along with her wedding dress, little suspecting that she was providing fuel for some creative cleansing. Since then, Cotter and his brother have found over 101 different uses for the dress, from grill cover to door mat, dog sling to shower curtain. They’ve documented the dress adventures on Cotter’s blog, eventually compiling the photos into a coffee-table book.
Cotter’s coping mechanism worked, because he’s since remarried and part of a happy family again. I love this story, not only because his blog is hilarious, but because it is a perfect example of the phoenix rising from the ashes. And I love the metaphorical meaning behind this story. Everyone coming out of a painful divorce is left with some memory, whether tangible or intangible, which they can use in a positive way, like Cotter, to help themselves “rise again.” Take a look around and see if you can find your “ex-wife’s wedding dress.”
This man embraced his sorrow, combined it with a little creativity and came out on top. So can you.
Social media – some thoughts
Posted by John Steele in Child Custody, Child Support, Divorce, Steele Law Firm on October 25, 2011
Contributed by Kelly D. Thames, Attorney & Counselor at Law, kthames@steele-law.com
We have entered a new era where people put their most private thoughts on the world wide web. Younger generations are so accustomed to doing this that they don’t process the consequences of telling the internet community that they are “partying” or partaking in other irresponsible and/or illegal behavior, even when they are going through a divorce or child custody battle.
In family law cases, especially in child custody battles, this can leave parties vulnerable. Once you put it out there on the “interwebs,” it is there. Even if you delete your post or pictures, it’s not really gone and if someone sees it, they can take a screen shot of it and preserve it forever.
Divorce and child custody battles are very emotional times for people and sometimes parties like to air their grievances to all their “friends” on social networking sites. But are these “friends” really your friends? If you play games on these sites, you may have added people that you don’t actually know, or don’t realize that you actually know.
A word of warning, not as a lawyer, but as someone that has common sense: Even if you are not going through a divorce or a parentage case, if you don’t want your mother or your boss to see the photo or status post, don’t post it. And don’t add “friends” who you don’t know; people are not always operating with the best intentions on these websites.
An expiration date on marriage
Posted by John Steele in Divorce on October 18, 2011
When I first heard about this, I couldn’t believe it! The Mexico City assembly is considering issuing two-year renewable marriage licenses, allowing couples to separate when the term expires rather than have to go through divorces. What an excellent exit strategy!
“Leftists in the city’s assembly – who have already riled conservatives by legalizing gay marriage – proposed a reform to the civil code this week that would allow couples to decide on the length of their commitment, opting out of a lifetime,” reports the British daily newspaper the Telegraph. “The minimum marriage contract would be for two years and could be renewed if the couple stays happy. The contracts would include provisions on how children and property would be handled if the couple splits.”
“The proposal is, when the two-year period is up, if the relationship is not stable or harmonious, the contract simply ends,” said Leonel Luna, the Mexico City assemblyman who co-authored the bill. ”You wouldn’t have to go through the tortuous process of divorce.”
Luna, a member of the leftist Party of the Democratic Revolution, which has the most seats in the 66-member chamber, says the proposed law is gaining support and he expects a vote by the end of this year.
As expected, the Catholic archdiocese in Mexico calls the proposal absurd.
An estimated 16,000 couples get married in Mexico City each year, and around half of those marriages end in divorce, usually in the first two years, reported the Telegraph. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, Illinois has one of the lower divorce rates in the country, with a divorce rate of 8.0 per 1,000 for each men and women.
I can’t help but wonder if this same type of legislation would even be considered in the States, particularly Illinois. I’m pretty sure that most divorce attorneys would oppose anything of the sort. On the other side, lessening the divorce rate would lessen the caseload in the Domestic Relations Division in the Illinois Courts (which seems to be much needed, especially in Cook County). Thus, more of the county’s resources could go to fund bigger issues that face Cook County and much of Illinois. Heck! Maybe it would even lead to lower taxes. Besides, the market is oversaturated with “family law” attorneys, many of whom barely know how to prepare a sound settlement agreement for their clients, and I believe that a lower divorce rate would weed out these “lesser” attorneys.
This is definitely and issue I’m going to be following over the next few years to see how it all pans out for the citizens of Mexico City. What do you think? Do you think having an expiration date on marriages in Cook County would work?
Can having breast cancer affect your chances of getting custody?
Posted by John Steele in Child Custody, Divorce, In the Courtroom on October 13, 2011
The answer might surprise you.
It’s that time of year again: when 300 lb football players can be seen wearing pink on live television, when the streets of Chicago are filled with barricades and people walking who “think pink.” Yes, folks, it’s Breast Cancer Awareness Month. We all know the typical effects that having breast cancer (well, any cancer, for that matter) can have on one’s health, career, relationships, and family. It can be a very stressful time for families, yet it seems most of us overlook how breast cancer can affect divorcing families.
Now, if you ask me, divorce and child custody matters are complicated and stressful enough without having a terminal illness thrown in the mix. Recently, though, a North Carolina mother diagnosed with terminal breast cancer has been making headlines with her custody battle for her children.
In May 2011, a North Carolina judge denied Alaina Giordano primary custody of her two children in part because “the course of her disease is unknown” and “children who have a parent with cancer need more contact with the non-ill parent.” The father lives in Chicago with the two children. Interestingly, the judge felt that the stress of living with the parent who was not physically ill would have a better effect on the children. Notably, in her ruling, the judge cited forensic psychologist Dr. Helen Brantley: “The more contact [the children] have with the non-ill parent, the better they do. They divide their world into the cancer world and a free of cancer world. Children want a normal childhood, and it is not normal with an ill parent.”
It’s important to remember that when determining child custody, a judge will often consider the mental and physical health of each parent. I’m certain it wasn’t an easy decision for the judge to make, but it seems clear that many things, including Giordano’s mental stability and the couple’s history of domestic violence, contributed to the judge’s decision besides the breast cancer. Still, many believe that greater emphasis was placed on the mother’s health because of her diagnosis of stage four breast cancer.
Luckily, it’s not all bad news for Giordano. According to the initial custody ruling, she can travel to Illinois to visit her children on holidays and weekends. She could also have shared custody of the children if she moves to Illinois. I think this is great, seeing as how there are many cancer treatment centers in the Chicago area. However, she wants to stay in North Carolina to continue her cancer treatments, and says that she cannot afford the airfare. They say you have to “pick your battles” and it certainly seems that Giordano has picked hers.
What do you think? Do you agree with the judge’s ruling? Do you think Giordano is making a mistake by not moving to Illinois?
Read more: North Carolina Mom with Breast Cancer Loses Custody
Judge Upholds Denial of Child Custody
Fur Coats and Child Support
Posted by John Steele in Alimony, Child Support, Divorce, In the Courtroom, Maintenance, Spousal Support on October 11, 2011
Contributed by: Bryan Keehl, Attorney & Counselor at Law, Steele Law Firm, bkeehl@steele-law.com
In court a few years ago, I was sitting quietly watching a mother stand before the judge beseeching him to increase her level of monthly maintenance. She had no attorney, but her arguments were sound. His income was up, hers was down. She had sacrificed her career to stay home with the children, and the family had lived high on the hog. Though perhaps a little dramatic, she was composed, well-spoken, and appeared sincere. She explained that her level of child support was woefully inadequate, that she was two months behind in her rent, and she didn’t have money to feed her children. Before the ruling was made, I felt fairly confident the judge would not give her what she was seeking. Sure enough, the judge denied her motion without much of an explanation.
The problem?
To begin, she strolled into the courtroom in a full-length fur coat. I watched the judge eye her as she walked in and, with a small flourish, slide the coat off her shoulders and place it irreverently on one of the attorney tables. As she spoke during the hearing, her speech lilted with a slightly patronizing tone, and, as she put on her case, her word choice smacked more of entitlement and expectation than explanation and deference. In short, she was blatantly unaware that she was appearing less like a loving mother trying to provide for her children and more of a trophy housewife with an attitude. She may have been telling the truth, but the way she told it gave the judge doubts about her credibility.
The situation illustrates not only how common sense is often lost on litigants, but also stresses just one of the many ways an attorney is useful to a client. Beyond the legal expertise that a client obviously expects, many clients do not think about what is perhaps a lawyer’s most important job: framing the case (and the client) in a favorable way before the judge. In a close and contentious case where the truth is difficult to pin down, quite often the biggest asset a party has is the one which a good lawyer always provides: a sense of credibility before the judge.
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