Trends in how a court handles child custody flows with changes in society.  In recent years, as some fathers began to take on greater responsibility as custodial parents, the courts started to become more favorable to awarding fathers the responsibility of being custodial parent.

Different states within the United States handle child custody differently based on the cultural norms of the states and internationally the same is true.  Most recently, Switzerland is considering making joint custody the norm in a divorce. The courts would only be able to make an exception if the child’s welfare is considered at risk.

Joint custody is about joint decision making, not about who is the primary custodial parent. In Illinois, joint custody is granted if the parents can make joint decisions together concerning their children. Parents often explore this issue in mediation and find out whether they are capable of making decisions together after the divorce regarding education, religion, and other activities.

To me, it seems that joint custody as the norm would be a terrible idea. Many parents cannot make a joint decision on anything (it might be why they are getting divorced), which means that they must mediate their differences or litigate their differences. Anything that leads to more litigation, rather than decision-making, is not parenting. It’s costly and makes the parties less likely to cooperate in the future.

Hollywood has been throwing some dirt my way lately, first Kim Kardashian and now Bieber. You probably don’t need a re-cap, but Mariah Yeater claims that she had a 30-second sexual encounter with Justin Bieber when he was 16 and the result was a gurgling little baby boy.  Justin Bieber’s alleged Baby Mama has withdrawn her L.A. lawsuit, but The Biebs has supposedly agreed to take a DNA test to establish his paternity, or lack thereof.

It is not uncommon in Parentage cases to have a DNA test done. If the alleged father has not signed the Voluntary Acknowledgement of Paternity (also known as the V.A.P.) and is not on the birth certificate, then a DNA test is the route to establishing who the Baby Daddy is.  If you want child support and the father isn’t agreeing to fathering the child, a genetic test is in order.

What makes this case a little more interesting is that a local Chicago attorney has decided to take on the case:  an attorney that champions himself a Father’s Rights Attorney.

What makes this case a little questionable is the fact that the Biebs is 17 and Mariah Yeater alleges that the sexual encounter happened when he was just 16 and she was 19. It sounds like there could be a potential criminal suit filed against her for taking part in the alleged sexual encounter, a la statutory rape charges.  But that’s not my area.

I read a great article today on Huffington Post Divorce from fellow Chicago Family Law attorneys addressing negotiating skills for parties to a divorce, How to Sell Your Spouse on a Divorce Settlement by J. Richard Kulerski and Kari L. Cornelison. Lawyers often take negotiation and/or mediation skills classes in law school, but spouses preparing for a divorce are often not prepared with this set of tools.

Courts in Illinois will generally refer parties to mediation if there are minor children involved, which require negotiation with your spouse. Even if there aren’t minor children involved with issues of child custody and visitation, and which are resolved in a joint parenting agreement, there are often issues of property division and other issues that comprise a marital settlement agreement. Often times, especially if parties cannot successfully negotiate in mediation, this is done through your respective attorneys. However, if you can master the following skills, you may be able to cover significant ground in mediation.

I have previously blogged about separating the emotional aspect of divorce from the legal aspect of divorce. If you have been to marital counseling before considering divorce, some of these tips might sound familiar. There are ways of addressing your spouse that makes them feel like you are listening to them and that you care about their wants and needs. If your spouse feels like you don’t care about them in the settlement, they may be less likely to come to an agreement. If you don’t come to an agreement outside court, court costs can make your divorce exponentially more expensive. Again, attorneys can handle these issues without direct contact between the parties, but this is a way of keeping costs lower in a divorce.

The insights from these attorneys, which follow some basic negotiation techniques:

• Tread softly at beginning of your talks. A non-confrontational start is vital to your overall chances of settlement. Proceed at your partner’s pace, not yours.
• Use a comforting tone of voice. This transmits sincerity and good will.
• Give your partner ample opportunity to state their case. Never interrupt them and always wait three seconds before responding.
• Allow your spouse to speak more than you do. Act as though you are there to learn, not to teach.
• Assume a listening position. Sit up straight on the edge of the chair, lean forward, and maintain eye contact. Do not cross your arms or legs and be sure your face does not register disapproval of what your partner is saying.
• Display keen interest in their concerns. Never say what you think is fair; they only care about what they think is fair.
• Show that you want to understand your spouse’s position by asking supporting questions. When they say something of great concern to them, repeat it back slowly while maintaining their point of view. Use a tone of voice that transmits genuine curiosity about where they’re coming from.
• Acknowledge their point of view as being worth consideration. They need to know that you validate their right to think as they do.
• Understand that you cannot be persuasive unless you first show that you are persuadable.
• Expect your spouse to say something to anger you and do not get angry back. If you anticipate their anger, it will not get to you. Angry people are unable to compromise; and anger never sells anyone on anything. When they blow their top, do not defend yourself and be careful of your first reaction. Deliver a non-offensive response by saying, “I see that you are upset.” This subtly acknowledges their anger without judging them for feeling the way they do.
• Flinch or wince with mild surprise when they make a major proposal. They are watching for your reaction, and a facial grimace shows you won’t accept what they are offering. This politely indicates your disapproval without starting an argument. A flinch usually softens their thinking.
• Never say no too quickly. If you want your spouse to give serious thought to what you want, you have to appear to give serious thought to what they want.
• Resist saying yes to a first offer even if you think it’s a good deal. You do not want your spouse to think they offered too much.
• Do not start at your bottom line. Inexperienced negotiators feel more comfortable doing so, but try to resist this natural temptation. It leads to deadlock, and deadlock leads to a court battle.
• Expect your spouse to say no to your first proposal and don’t carry on when you hear it. A no is rarely final and usually serves to mark the real starting point of the negotiations.
• Don’t belittle your spouse’s offer. Validate it as a possibility, explain why you disagree, and ask for their assistance in coming up with something that you both might find acceptable.
• Do not make the first concession. It will not be appreciated and can lead to expectations of further concessions.

For the entire article, follow this link: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/j-richard-kulerski/how-to-sell-your-spouse-o_b_1033579.html?ref=divorce

Apparently the wife was posting things on her Facebook profile regarding her feelings toward the husband, the children and her ability to take care of them, which prompted this entire situation.  Not sure why someone would publicly advertise those things about their private lives, but I guess it seemed like a good idea to the wife.

When the wife was asked during a deposition for her passwords, she gave them up, but then asked a friend to go to her profile and delete several of the postings.  Upon hearing this, the judge issued an injunction and the parties turned over their Facebook and dating site passwords to each other’s attorneys.

Earlier this year, my associate, Kelly Thames, briefly wrote about the role of social media in family law proceedings (and in getting a job, among other things).  Cases such as this one in Connecticut remind us of the importance of keeping private thoughts and feelings just that:  private.

The latest gossip in the Kim and Kris Divorce saga is that Kim has flown to Minnesota to undergo counseling with Kris and the minister that married the pair. The rumor is that this is to help the couple gain closure, not reconcile. But hey, who really knows?

It is not always an easy decision whether or not you should end your marriage. Reconciliation can often happen after a couple files for divorce and feel how “real” the prospect of divorce has become.  In Cook County, a couple that has filed for divorce can ask for the divorce to be put on hold and transferred to the Reconciliation Calendar for counseling and a reconciliation conference. The couple may still proceed with the divorce, but like a fine wine, important life decisions need time to breathe.

Well, it looks like another celebrity is getting a divorce after a very short period of time. Kim Kardashian has filed for divorce. Rumors of the marriage on the rocks were splashed all over the tabloids in the last week, but now the news is out: their 72 day marriage is over.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t really care that this celebrity couple is getting divorced (or not getting divorced – there are so many rumors out there). It does shine a spotlight, however, on some important issues in marriage and divorce.  For instance, have you actually considered what life would be like once you get married?

One of the rumors of the split is that they couldn’t decide on where to live:  she wanted to stay in California; he wanted to live in Minnesota.  This might be something you discuss before you start planning your gigantic fantasy wedding, because once that train starts rolling, many brides and grooms-to-be find it hard to put on the brakes.  The result: a fabulous party and a quick road to divorce if you are these two.  Of course, the Kardashians poop diamonds, so I’m sure the cost of the wedding for such a short marriage isn’t even something that crossed Kim’s mind.

Do you want a pre-nuptial agreement that states what happens if things go downhill? Apparently Kim and Kris did. Reportedly, their agreement kept all assets separate.  Check out more at:  http://www.tmz.com/2011/11/01/kim-kardashian-kris-humphries-prenup/#.TrB0b0Oa9QR.

I’ll keep you updated on this “very important” and significant story.

I was watching the “Ron and Tammys” episode of Parks & Recreation last night, where Ron is being audited by the IRS because of his ex-wife, Tammy 1.  Ron’s recordkeeping is hilariously awful: he has notes of purchase that he wrote himself; he has a picture of himself shaking hands with another guy as proof of a “gentlemen’s agreement;” he doesn’t have bank accounts or formal records and he buries gold in various places; he also has decoy gold. Although this type of recordkeeping is over-the-top silly, it made me think about clients in divorce cases.

People don’t often think about what could happen if a marriage goes sour and so they don’t keep meticulous or organized records in preparation for a divorce or child support case. When one party files for divorce and discovery starts to happen, it becomes a huge ordeal to gather financial documents that are required when one side files a notice to produce documents and a request for a financial disclosure statement. Divorces can get dragged on for years because a party is not organized in their financial life, which significantly increases the cost of the divorce.

It is probably not very likely that you will be audited by the IRS these days, in fact, Ron’s audit was fake, it was just because Tammy 1 wanted to assess his financial situation before deciding that she wanted to “take him back.” By the way, that is not a healthy relationship, but that’s an entirely different post!

The basic message here:  the IRS has three years from the date you file your income tax returns to audit your return if it suspects good faith errors, six years for underreporting your gross income by 25% or more, and no time limit for fraudulent returns. Most divorce attorneys will request the same three years of documents when there are financial issues in a domestic relations case. Your attorney won’t hunt and gather those documents for you – that is your job.  The Illinois State Bar Association keeps a list of standard Matrimonial Interrogatories on their website, so you can see what kinds of financial information may be requested of you during a contested family law matter.

As in many other areas of life, I like to quote the Girl Scout motto, “Be prepared.”

And it is this very important peace of mind that deserves, in my opinion, a celebration.  Your life is yours again, celebrate!  Of course the pain isn’t going to go away instantly, it may even take a few years, depending on how long your marriage was.  But celebrating your independence is part of the healing process.

In honor of the valiant divorcee, every so often I will post something that hopefully will help, or inspire you to celebrate your divorce.  Since this is the first post of its kind, I will initiate “Celebrating Divorce” with an introduction to a blogger named Kevin Cotter from Arizona who recently published his first book “101 Uses for my Ex-Wife’s Wedding Dress.”

Cotter’s wife of 12 years (and mother of his two children) left him in 2009, along with her wedding dress, little suspecting that she was providing fuel for some creative cleansing.  Since then, Cotter and his brother have found over 101 different uses for the dress, from grill cover to door mat, dog sling to shower curtain.  They’ve documented the dress adventures on Cotter’s blog, eventually compiling the photos into a coffee-table book.

Cotter’s coping mechanism worked, because he’s since remarried and part of a happy family again.  I love this story, not only because his blog is hilarious, but because it is a perfect example of the phoenix rising from the ashes.  And I love the metaphorical meaning behind this story.  Everyone coming out of a painful divorce is left with some memory, whether tangible or intangible, which they can use in a positive way, like Cotter, to help themselves “rise again.”  Take a look around and see if you can find your “ex-wife’s wedding dress.”

This man embraced his sorrow, combined it with a little creativity and came out on top.  So can you.

It doesn’t matter what you’re paying for.  Even if you’re loaning your mother $5,000 – get a receipt. If you’re paying your attorney in cash – get a receipt.  And now, for the most important one:  If you’re paying child support in cash – get a receipt.

Did you know that some people go to jail for not paying child support?  Man, if I knew there was something I could end up in jail for not doing, I would always be sure to make make sure I have proof of doing it.  Whether or not there’s a court order in place, if you’re paying child support (or any sort of support, for that matter) in cash, get a receipt.

I hear so many stories that go like this:  “Well I was giving her cash for child support for the last 10 years, and now she filed this petition saying I didn’t give her anything and that I owe all this back support.”  And now it’s your word against hers.  C’mon, man!  Did you really ever think this scenario couldn’t happen to you?  Do you know how easy it is to get a receipt?  Did you know that it’s FREE to get a receipt?

So, let’s see.  Getting a receipt is:

• Easy
• Free
• Protects you in case questions ever arise later

I think I made my point.

We have entered a new era where people put their most private thoughts on the world wide web. Younger generations are so accustomed to doing this that they don’t process the consequences of telling the internet community that they are “partying” or partaking in other irresponsible and/or illegal behavior, even when they are going through a divorce or child custody battle.

In family law cases, especially in child custody battles, this can leave parties vulnerable. Once you put it out there on the “interwebs,” it is there. Even if you delete your post or pictures, it’s not really gone and if someone sees it, they can take a screen shot of it and preserve it forever.

Divorce and child custody battles are very emotional times for people and sometimes parties like to air their grievances to all their “friends” on social networking sites. But are these “friends” really your friends? If you play games on these sites, you may have added people that you don’t actually know, or don’t realize that you actually know.

A word of warning, not as a lawyer, but as someone that has common sense: Even if you are not going through a divorce or a parentage case, if you don’t want your mother or your boss to see the photo or status post, don’t post it. And don’t add “friends” who you don’t know; people are not always operating with the best intentions on these websites.